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Sunflower Sutra


Posted on 2010.02.15 at 11:28
feeling: melancholymelancholy
Two years ago today was the last day of my father's life. Sad and weird, weird and sad. Time stretches and buckles and it feels like longer and also like no time at all. I miss him every day, but he gets more and more remote. I remember him clearly, but the feeling of what it was like to have a dad is no longer natural. On the bright side, it doesn't feel so much like a gaping hole in my life anymore, but I kind of wish it did.

I feel like a bad person for saying this, but I don't know if I would necessarily change things to have him back again. A lot of good has happened-- for instance, my mother's become much less narrow-minded. She's given up her childhood programming and limitations and is finally learning that there are other options out there, and in the process, she's finally accepted her children in all their complications and forgiven us for not being the compliant Christian automatons she used to want. I got to see my grandfather three weeks before he died. I got to reconnect with my family. None of that would have happened if my dad hadn't died.

At the same time, I am keenly aware, especially now, of how much I want my dad's advice. My life is exploding in directions I never imagined and don't know how to handle. My dad always kept me level. Would he be proud of what I'm doing now? Would he approve of the direction in which my life is going? Would he approve of the new directions in which I want to take it? I don't know. And even if I do, I need to hear it. I've been trying to make my dad proud of me my whole life. I need to free myself from the fear that he won't be.

Mew. I love you, dadzor.

Sunflower Sutra

Not A Real Update

Posted on 2010.02.11 at 07:44
Current Location: The Crow's Nest
feeling: sadsad
listening to: Yoko Kanno, "Be Human"
I had the saddest dream last night. It followed this artificial consciousness which somehow had the ability to generate a tangible body in which to house itself. (I'm not entirely certain how the tech of this dream worked-- it was sort of like a robot and sort of like a hologram, but not really like either of those things.) The entity was, emotionally, fully human. He had a wife and children and a house and a job, and he was very happy. But his program began to shut down. Either it was running out of memory or something had become corrupted. He began gradually to lose the ability to remember himself, and as this slipped away, he couldn't generate his body anymore. He tried to hide this from his wife and children by wearing gloves and long sleeves, but of course you can only hide the fact that you have no arms for so long. He and his wife were trying to make light of the situation, but as time progressed they could only grieve for the inevitable day when he forgot his family and himself and disappeared altogether.

...Fuck you, subconscious. Fuck you very much.

Sunflower Sutra

Daily Challenge

Posted on 2009.11.02 at 07:41
I don't do NaNoWriMo. I do need to write more, though, so this month's challenge is DaBloUpMo-- Daily Blog Updating Month.

Since  I plan to invite a bunch of people to read this blog, and since I don't necessarily want all of those people knowing everything I've written here since 2003, I have another blog for this purpose. Here it is. Hold me to daily updates, please, because my friend Jacob has promised to beat me with a tire-iron if I don't, and he's not one to go back on his word.

I Saw The Figure Five In Gold

Thank you.

Sunflower Sutra

Two Unrelated Things

Posted on 2009.10.17 at 14:53
First of all, Bertrand Goldgar, who was one of my very favorite professors, passed away this week. His Satire class was one of my fondest memories of college. Rest in peace, you wonderful cranky old bastard you.

Also, after viewing Grey Gardens for the first time I have come to the somewhat alarming realization that I had better get married, because if I don't I'm going to grow up to be Little Edie Beale.

That is all.


He sees you when you're sleeping...

Posted on 2009.09.28 at 07:32
Current Location: The Crow's Nest
feeling: sleepysleepy
Tags: ,
Ferdinand can see into your soul.


Cat update!

Posted on 2009.09.12 at 20:10
feeling: amusedkitteh!
Acquired: One (1) cat named *drumroll* Ferdinand.

My reasons are threefold:
1) Like Ferdinand the Bull in the children's story, he's a lover, not a fighter, and he just likes to sit and smell the flowers.
2) Like Franz Ferdinand (the Archduke, not the band) he keeps company with a lady named Sophie
3) Like Ferdinand Magellan, he likes to explore.

Pictures soon!

Sunflower Sutra

Question of the Week!

Posted on 2009.07.15 at 19:24
Current Location: The Crow's Nest
feeling: chipperchipper
Tags: , ,
I don't believe there is an accepted collective noun for robots. You know, something akin to a gaggle of geese or a pod of whales. Or, more picturesquely: A crash of rhinoceros, an exaltation of larks, a knot of toads, a sloth of bears, a charm of hummingbirds, a murder of crows, an implausibility of gnu, an ostentation of peacocks, or a flange of baboon. No, really.
Poll #1430372 What should the collective noun for robots be?

What should the collective noun for robots be?

A ratchet of robots
A solder of robots
A circuit of robots
A clank of robots
A foreboding of robots
A calculation of robots
An asimov of robots
A bleep of robots
An inhumanity of robots
Other (please leave in the comments)

Because, y'know, it'll be important once they band together to destroy all pitiful fleshy hu-mans.

Sunflower Sutra

Interview questions from Tiana!

Posted on 2009.07.13 at 15:55
Current Location: the crow's nest
listening to: Last Exile on in the background
Thanks to inteleks66  for the questions. Leave me a comment and I will ask you some! If you have more for me, leave them and I will answer them!

1. If you could change one thing that you've done, what would it be?

When I was visiting universities during my senior year, I made the acquaintance of one of my future professors, who later sent me an e-mail about Italy and linguistics. I was too timid to reply and I wish I had. This is one example of my extreme reluctance to network, which is now coming back to haunt me as, much like an unfortunate in a Jane Austen novel, I have no connections to introduce me into the academic circles in which I hope eventually to run. I wish I'd learned to be better at that while it was still easy. That professor retired and I now have no idea how to reach him.

2. What is the one thing you love about yourself that you think people underappreciate?

I am a lot more responsible than most of my family and friends realize. I know I project the happy-go-lucky, creative, scatterbrained side of my personality more often, and I get the feeling that most people think I can't handle details. I don't like to handle them, that's certainly true, but when I have to I am more than capable.

3. If you thought you had only one week left to live,what would you do with it if you had limitless resources?
I would kidnap all my loved ones and a jet and travel to someplace beautiful and exotic. I want to see everything, or as much of everything as I can.

4. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I would probably choose something like Stravinsky's Rites of Spring; something beautiful and complex enough that I can find something new in it every time I listen.

5. If you had no fear of reprisal, what is the one crime you would commit?
I am not particularly materialistic, and I have no qualms about being mostly poor. (Hell, I majored in Linguistics, which isn't exactly the field to go into if you want to roll about with hookers and diamonds and diamond-studded hookers.) That said, though, I have many friends who need medical and psychiatric attention, and many friends who are acutely upset at their lack of finances. Also, I like eating and traveling and such. Therefore, I would go on a bank-robbing spree and steal enough for all of us to be comfortable.

Tycho Brahe

gotajob gotajob gotaJOOOBBBB...

Posted on 2009.06.23 at 20:35
Current Location: The Crow's Nest
feeling: hopefulhopeful
listening to: the radio
Tags: , ,
... part-time, as an activity leader for an after-school childcare program.

I will either love or hate my life this year. Also, I'm a little confused by the willingness of not one, but two school districts to entrust to me the care of Little Childrens. Don't they know any better?

I'm still hoping that I'll be staying on as a TA at the high school, too. They don't want to lose me, and they're leaning on the budget committee, but so far the final word has yet to come. I may have another interview, too, for a part-time office assistant position for an organic farm. Whee!

Other things continue with the same amount of irritation and worry that has characterized the summer. My poor little kitty-cat is having her age catch up to her with a vengeance. She's skin and bones, with eyes that run and weird lumpy bits popping up all over, and she won't eat or drink anything. Our parking lot is having pipe laid and being resurfaced, so no word when I can park there again. The weather is grotesquely warm and humid. Someone stole my bike yesterday.

BUT-- I have a job. And pretty soon, I will have myself some celebratory frozen yogurt. Ups and downs, strikes and gutters, as the Dude says.

Sunflower Sutra

This Does Not Necessarily Presage A Return To LJ

Posted on 2009.06.11 at 11:26
Current Location: The Crow's Nest
feeling: blahblah
listening to: Symphony of Destruction, stuck in my head
Tags: ,
I had a long entry written, detailing what exactly it is I'm doing with my life right now, but LJ ate it, and I'm not about to try to recreate the damn thing. Suffice to say my school job is over, I'm still waiting for the budget to come through so I know if they're hiring me back, I hate being unemployed and I'm looking for jobs, and things with Andy are going well. His business is finally taking off, which is grand. All of you close by in LJ-land should sit down with him for about half an hour and learn what he does for people-- he helps families out of some dire financial straits, and the company passes my Skeptic-O-Meter (which is permanently set on Tinfoil Hat) with flying colors.

Also, I just had a dream about an enduring romance between a modern-day Marcel Proust and a redheaded ten-year-old girl in a baseball cap. This was after the one in which I was staging some ancient religous ritual for which I needed to knit my own ziggurat.

My subconscious is weird.

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